Letting go a little at a time
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for change, but lately the pace is picking up, like I'm in the fast lane, when really I want to be walking down the boardwalk at a leisurely stroll to the beach. I want generous heaps of time that is unstructured to say gentle goodbyes, and reconnect with old friends before I really have to say good bye for a long time. I've done such a good job at being optimistic, that I forgot to leave a cushion for how sad it really is to do this big thing that we're doing. I'm midwife to the denouement of my current place of work, and just let go of a big piece today when the postings went public for new recruits. There's no way to do that without feeling the impact profoundly; I've had my head around it for months, even drafted a short communication, but letting it all go into the ether caught me in grief. I'm yesterday's gal - and this made if real official - oomphf!
With my friends, it's a deeper catch.Just now I called my best friend aka BFFRC (someday he'll have a blog I can link this to, but for now BFFRC) because I missed him, and needed his friendly voice, and amid a short rollercoaster conversation we are breathless in laughter and silliness. I love that about BFFRC, I love him because he gets so much of me, and has had years of practice. I wasn't calling for anything really except I guess I was; I need to talk to him, and need to slap myself into action - yes, call. This is so much more enjoyable, therapeutic and human than hunkering down to write or read ( my two primary activities after sleeping and eating - I am part bear btw) - and the best connection ever. I used to bemoan how long it would take in this city to get together with people, how you'd have to book days, weeks, months in advance to coordinate so much as a cup of coffee or meal together etc. I am now in kamikaze spontaneity mode ( ahhh fond memories of the phenomenon known as "Sightings" in my Froggy-Goes-a-Courtin' Days with The Goddess - in which I am the frog), and BFFRC has risen to the occasion himself (midnight email re breakfast Sun am? dinner after work today?Yes!).
I'm thinking of making this a competitive Olympic trial sport in the 80 odd days remaining - the dew drop in, just passing by and thought I'd see if you were here - and see how friends respond. I mean really, all this planning and forethought is lovely but if you're thinking about me, why not call? The worst thing that can happen is I'm not home, in which case you score HUGE for trying and thinking of me. It's not about the score - it's about noticing that we care for each other - we care deeply. And to let a glimmer of that show each time we're together is the sweetest thing, not take it for granted. If it's sad that we only get around to telling each other this stuff when it looks like we're not going to be in each other's immediate time space continuum, I can handle that. That pain of saying goodbye bit by bit is also a growing pain - I'm convinced it's our heart stretching to capacity - one I'm so very grateful for every day.
