Hurry up and wait

I know life is like this sometimes, but I don't like it . telling me it gets better doesn't help - I am impatient. I want it now. I want to know. I need some reassurance. This living dangerously, flying by the seat of my pants thing is not for me. I need to land, I need somewhere to lay my head, and I need to know what I'm doing when I get up in the morning. OK, I've had a charmed, secure, predictable existence for most of my life - actually for all of my life. I am one of those freaks who moved seamlessly from home to university to grad school to full time employment and I have stayed there. Even when I changed jobs, it was slowly, cautiously in 4 , 10 and now 8 year spurts - hardly a roller coaster of intrigue and exploration. I am the turtle - slow and steady wins the race. ( Am I a tortoise? is there a difference?)

I admire those who live a little closer to the edge, who sake it up, who mess with the fates, and take the odd dive into the deep end, big splash, big finish, and big shit eating grins on their faces. Can I even put on my bathing suit? Dare I skinny dip? Does this bathing cap make my head look too fat? Do you suppose that water is cold? What if I have  a heart attack as I'm jumping?

I'm not always this stuck, this hesitant, this wracked with doubts. But this is where I am now, some of the times, not all of  the time. On good days, I do want to be that adventurer, and I have a lot of support from my partner who's travelling with me, and friends and family. I used the word skiving yesterday, and someone misheard it as skydiving(!) - that skydiving was remotely possible was hysterical to me - Welcome the daredevil!